New tagline.

I changed it to a quote I found in one of my earlier blogposts I was reading partly to find the last time I talked about web design and partly because I have a very short attention span. I thought it was somewhat amusing and very exemplary. I briefly wrested with the thought of calling it "Lies! Lies and a synonym for lies!" Which I just yelled down the stairs at someone having what I deigned to be a deeply apocryphal telephone conversation, showing that my brain is too slow even to properly come up with a synonym for lies, but fast enough to throw in a token replacement.

I also realized that most of the things I say are as convoluted, ugly and incomprehensible as most of the source-code I find with the Generator header set at Frontpage. I take solice in the fact that is technically accurate most of the time, and has a lot more grace than Frontpage code, as does... everything.

Copywriting, the Bad.

A previous post about web-page design in which I state the strengths of the AssaultCube website.

Do you want to see the worst site I've seen all day? "Cromm Cruac"

Let me give you an event horizon: I stumbled apon this site. I read all of the text. I rolled my eyes and pressed the stumble button. That's right, I left, immediately. Why? Because I felt disrespected by this site. Imagine I came up to you and said if you'd just like to get on this boat with me, we'd go on holiday together. I don't want to go alone, it'll only cost you your time. You'd probably like to know were we're going. You'd probably like to know how long for. I refuse to give you any indication. If I said a week in the Bahamas, you might come, if I said a month in Russia, you might come, where you say into Russian culture or looking to improve your grasp of Cyrillic languages (I am actually). If I'd said it was a cruise, I have no idea where exactly we'll go, but we should definitely be back sometime this year, you might come. Would you come if I totally refused to provide you with any information what so ever? Fuck no.

From reading this text I get the impression something will "happen" when I click the link. Something the orchestrator couldn't be bothered even to brief me on. I feel disrespected. I don't want to have to download some shitty flash animation if I don't want to watch/use it. Thus, I refuse to move on until someone tells me what it is, roughly.

I'm sure it's a crying shame. That random girl is so very sexually attractive, if she was here right now I would totally ask her nicely if she was a lesbian. Somehow, I get the impression whatever this site holds could well be totally great.

I guess I'll never know.

Kidding. Now I've spent half an hour writing and researching this post, I might as well watch the damn thing

Okay, I entered the site. It was NOT WORTH IT. I was unable to ascertain the purpose of the site. I think what it is, is someone had a stupid crack-taking egotistical slob of a friend who made some elaborately animated and confusing designed site as a joke while drunk. The friends fell out. The computer was hacked and the flash file taken by this estranged friend who posted it on the internet to make him look like a jerk. I can only guess. Alternatively, some stupid crack-taking egotistical slob might think they're being really clever by making a site that plays music to show how good they are at drawing really small, slowly downloading pictures of ugly naked girls. They might think they're clever making it impossible to save the pictures. ("Hur, now thay kant infrinj mi copirite. hur." Completely violates the purpose of the internet.) They might have even posted this design atrocity on the internet on purpose. All I can say is I haven't been so infuriated by the poor accessibility of a site since I went on a similarly unstructured site produced by Square Enix (who have never been cleverer than twelve year-olds who are still in year two) which was IN JAPANESE. (You might be all "ooh, but you do know SOME Japanese..." Yeah, the fonts wouldn't load. Also, I can't read much Kanji and "some Japanese" is roughly equivalent to "So long as she's happy, I don't mind", "I will sail through the cosmos with this planet as my vessel", "hello, I would like to inform you my teacher has transformed into real english strawberry jam", "that car in front is a Toyota" and other such useful phrases.)

Mileston'd

This is my 100th blog post. Inverse-vandal is I.

I still have the cough I got at the beginning of March, despite going to the doctors (which I never do for almost the same reasons as V) and following his iffy treatment. (Anti-biotics for a virus? Um... Nah.)

Usual illness: I feel ill. I do nothing. My parents nag me into going to the doctors. The doctor does some tests. I get better. The test results come back. I am prescribed medicine I no longer need. I fill my body full of chemicals for no good reason.

This illness: I feel ill. I do nothing. I then go to the doctors because my more sympathetic friend suggests I may be dying, my non-sympathetic friend suggests I die in a less disruptive and annoying manner. The doctor prescribes medicine that beggars reason. I continue to annoy/concern/noise pollute with my hacking cough, possibly forever. My father sugests I quit smoking. (I don't smoke, just in case that was lost on you).

Anyway, to celebrate the 100th post, I've changed my blog layout from something with irksomely narrow columns to something with illegibly poor contrast. You think it's bad? Today I saw a LiveJournal with blue on almost exactly the same shade of blue. I had to highlight everything.

I'm drinking barley cup, and not revising for my exams. Well, I'm also revising for my exams, but more not revising is being done than revising. I know most of it anyway, and the bits I don't know, I never will. Those bits are called History and Biology. Barley cup is quite nice. Although I have got to the bottom of the mug now and found that someone put washing up liquid in it before I used it. Oops.

Irked: Remote controls

So far, I'm relatively certain that if someone said to me that I could choose one thing to remove from the world permanently, I would choose hiccups. I don't like them, and can't see any huge ramifications to their destruction.

The thing annoying me right now is Remote Controls. People's desire to make their lives "easier" at all costs is getting bloody ridiculous. Are you seriously telling me that as part of the same species as the man who united the Mongol tribes and fought among them against the Chinese empire we cannot cross the fucking room to change channel? That being said, if I was in a TV showroom and had the final choice between an ugly TV where I had to walk across the room (or, at my current set-up, move my arm slightly) and a television with a neat no-buttons interface, which would be reduced to nothing more than a heavy, expensive, delicate waste of space whenever the remote was mislayed, ran out of battery or broke, I think I would probably choose the one which isn't designed for fucktards. I didn't really hate remote controls while TVs still had all of the buttons in place; it wasn't until you became TOTALLY DEPENDANT on them they began to annoy a considerably increased portion of the hell out of me. I mean, I never liked people flicking through the channels during advert breaks. It's firstly, more annoying than the adverts, and secondly, ungrateful. The people who are PAYING for your televisual pleasure want nothing more from you than a few minutes of attention. Personally, I would rather spend a tenth of my TV time watching shit I don't care about than fork out more cash for it. If people continue t not watch adverts, they will disappear. That's why I set Adblock to apathy on all sites that don't accost me with viral pop-ups. If it weren't for adverts I would have to pay for a whole lot of things I'm quite happy to get for free. Like Google. Do you want to pay per search Google?

I was going to rant about atheists, but someone beat me to it. I'll rant about atheists when the atheist I was going to rant about fails to redeem himself.

A note from Goto's Legal Representative

People are annoying me by EVEN TODAY talking about Spaghetti Programming as if Spaghetti Programing is the use of Goto. People think so long as their program text doesn't contain gotos it's linear and easy to understand. Leave Goto the fuck alone. I mean, seriously, between Procedures, Functions, Methods, Objects and various iterators, there are plenty of new ways to make people scroll up and down your code as if they're trying to loose weight sitting down. I agree that Goto is useless out of any language that doesn't use line-numbers, but wait... that's all languages. The poor thing is extinct: dead with a bad reputation. Sometimes it was the right tool for a job. It's certainly less confusing than breaking from a switch case. Unless we're talking about VB's goto, where it takes you to a label. I mean, "goto line 53" I can do. "goto flibble" isn't so great. What direction is flibble even in?. Additionally, VB isn't even linear, it's event driven! It makes very little sense!

The soloution to all your relationship problems

Women

problem	solution
He leaves the toilet seat up	date women
Not enough foreplay	date women
He never wants to go shopping with me	date women
He spends more time watching football than appreciating me	date women
We can never find anything to talk about	date women
He can't find my clitoris	date women

Men

problem	solution
She wants me to stay awake after sex	Go gay
She hates all my date ideas	Go gay
I can't tell if she's faking orgasm	Go gay
I get dumped for "not being romantic enough"	Go gay
She wants children	Go gay
She won't try anal with me	Guess

All these people go on about Heterosexuality being the "right" and "normal" way because heterosexual unions are blessed with children. Firstly, Blessed is not the word you are looking for; try cursed, burdened or fraught. Secondly, I would consider a healthy, meaningful relationship with a partner who understands you the primary goal of anyone's life. Making homosexuality the normal, functional, right way to go. Children are like the punishment you get for falling off the ladder. Okay, girls, you have strong biological needs and all. Fuck a guy once. Then, bring up your lovely child with a caring and understanding person you love, rather than the father. It's not fantastic in evolutionary terms, but emotionally, 20/20. Okay, some guys have biological needs too, but half of the time, those are "I want children I don't have to look after" urges; see above. Otherwise, these men can be our heterosexual minorities. They're probably girly enough to form meaningful relationships with some women. Or, have an "if it's a boy, I'll take it. If it's a girl, you keep it." plan with some lesbians. Whatever.

The reason our society is not totally gay is likely at least partly the fault of unimaginative and otherwise dysfunctional women who just sit there doing what everyone thinks is normal and miss out of the epiphany I had when I was twelve: "Why don't I just be gay?". Post that, it's also the fault of men who don't like the thought of taking cock. Let's put it this way: not only is that one of the main reasons I'm gay, but additionally, I would consider not being disgusted at the thought of being penetrated a psychological disorder. Men and women. I know few would agree with me, but that's just because they're not me, and therefore fucked up.

On the simplest level; from a permanent point of view, women are better. Men and women alike agree that women are much hotter: the boobies, the zero chance of her fucking you, the slender limbs and nice hair etc. From a less than permanent point of view, men have better personalities. They control, think rationally and stand up for themselves appropriately. Women have the capability to do all these things, but somehow, by the second year of high school, they just think "fuck it. I'll just be a worthless slag." Women who sit around and complain about how men love them only for their bodies are idiots. Dears, men love you only for your bodies because that's all you have. No-one is going to love you for being you until You stops being a defeatist, puerile, generic little girl with no interests that can't be bought. To be born a woman is the greatest honour you can receive, yet so many people fuck it up. The ONLY downside to being a woman is the lower IQ. You may be interested to know that this averages at a difference of less than four points. FOUR. Do people boast their IQ of 104? Nope. Someone in whatever new scientist article I got that figure from suggested women don't do as well as men because of the IQ difference. An IQ difference of four is not noticeable at an interview; certinately not as noticeable as the kind of tangible stupidity that fathered that remark.

Windows is Easier to Use than Linux

People don't believe me when I say Linux isn't any harder to use than Windows. So I'll quit saying it. Linux is harder to use than windows. For clarity, I'm speaking specifically about Ubuntu Linux, which is the one all first-timers should use. For further clarity, I'm being partially sarcastic.

Function	Linux	Windows
Logging On	To log on using Linux, you have to know your username. You have to be able to spell it. You have to know your password.	With the correct windows set-up, you have to recognize your name, OR the little picture you chose to represent you. Windows Vista has made it even easier: press enter.
Installing a new piece of Hardware	It will almost always, without fail auto detect. If it doesn't, got to synaptic and find some drivers, or run one of the hardware wizards from system menu.	Even if it DOES auto detect, you will need to be connected to the internet to download drivers. If id doesn't, there are wizards which don't work, or more likely, the software disc that came with the product. If you lost/damaged it, you are fucked. Installation from one of these discs has never,in my experience, taken less time than the Linux auto-detector.
signing on to MSN	Open Gaim. Enter your details. Decide if you want Gaim to log you on when the program starts, when the computer starts or when you tell it to.	Open MSN messenger, enter your details. MSN will now log you on without your consent whenever your puter starts.
Signing onto AIM/other.	Open Gaim. Enter you details.	Go to the internet. Find a suitable free program, download it. Install it, configure it, enter your details.
Installing	Insert the disc, wait for it to load up. Select run/install. If Linux will not work on your system, this is when you will find out. Otherwise (almost always): Go to start, click install, go through the two minute setup program, which asks nothing more technical that "what time zone are you in" and auto-detects ALL of your technical details. Watch it install in what is almost always less than an hour, reboot, start it up.	Enter the disc. Go through the hour-long, confusing, technical set-up, make sure you have your manuals in hand, because Windows may ask all kinds of technical questions. wait 24 hours for the thing to install (okay, sometimes it's as few as three). This, after at least three hours of shit is where you find out if it didn't work.
Finding and installing a piece of free, compatible software for a specfic purpose	Open either "add remove programs" or "synaptic" from the start menus, depending on how technical you want this to be. search for roughly what you want. All the programs listed are free forever, compatible with your system, recommended and downloaded from a fast secure server. Select the program you want. Read it's description. Click on the little checkbox next to it. Select apply. Wait a few minutes. The program is now installed and ready to go. It will only need a reboot if it is part of the kernel, which is never is.	Go to the internet. Search. Read through all the results carefully, to make sure you're not downloading trialware and that it's compatible with your system. Download it, possibly from a slow server. Unzip if any. VIRUS SCAN IT. Run the EXE. installation will vary depending on the program, it might not require installing, or it might require lots of configuration.

See how much easier to use Linux is? I mean Windows. Windows is. Yeah. Windows is eaiser to use. That was what I was trying to prove.

Cept it's not.

Please be nice to your god.

I don't know why exactly Christians are so offended by the idea of creationism, or the big bang well, they may dislike anything that contradicts the bible (Stupid: lots of things contradict the bible. Christians themselves: for instance, I live near a church and am not currently on fire.) But this irrational bigotry is backed by this second argument: That such a belief is dishonoring God. I think the reasons Christians think this are varied. Varied between "Christians are stupid" "Christians are intellectually challenged" And "Christians are sloppy thinkers". Okay, maybe just varied in terms of politeness. I mean, the idea that we were not personally created by God is not on any level robbing majesty from His Exalted Name. It's ADDING to his majesty. How can I explain this?

Okay, take a look at this video, or a small part of it. adding machine. Now, you might need to know a bit about binary to understand that. But I think it's fairly safe to say that that's the coolest thing I've ever, ever, ever, seen ever. If that kid had done the same math in his head, how impressed would you be? Not as much, I bet. A little bit, but not as much.

Now, an example for you guys who didn't watch the video or aren't a big fan of computers. Imagine I showed you a painting. This painting is amazing, it's almost photo-realistic, there's so much detail and clutter in the background, there's this girl who is so beautiful you fall instantly in love with her, and she's got realistic skin tones, it's just the most beautiful,meaning full and interesting painting in the entire universe. You'd be really impressed. You say I was the next [insert name of overrated artist I would be insulted to be associated with]. You'd probably think I was awesome and want to be my best friend. Now. I stop and tell you a secret. I didn't paint the painting with brushes. I didn't paint it with sticks, I didn't even paint it with an aerosol. I painted it using a paintball gun. Really small paintballs, but paintballs. Are you more impressed, or less impressed? Now, I tell you another secret. I didn;t look at the painting while I painted it. No, the gun is operated from underneath, a contraption made of pegs and elastic bands, and I'd flick it and a whole array of these little balls would smatter on the canvas and form a seemingly random pattern of some kind that eventually would develop into my masterpiece. I don't even select the colours, i just toss in a whole load of these balls in primary colours and shake. Are you more impressed, or less impressed?

Now, imagine you're a woman who longs for a child. One night, an angel comes to you and says: "Design your perfect child. I'll make him for you." You choose a child who is clever, funny, pretty, well behaved, quiet, assertive and good at ballet. You get what you ask for. But, one day, you meet a mother who you become friends with, and your children get on just great. They get on so well, because they are so alike. This child is everything your child is. Attractive, broad range of intelligence, talent. Plays the piano better than most. You turn to this mother and say "was your child given to you by an angel?" Surely, this must be, for such a wonderful child to exist, the mother must have DESIGNED her, not RAISED her. But, no. She says. Her child is just the regular kind of child you get from heterosexual sex. Her child is awesome because she reacted the right way to the paintings done in playgroup, she convinced the child to learn piano and excel at it using her tender mothering skillz. She made sure she learned the importance of her opinion, and others. She read to her child every night to make it feel loved, learn to speak well and develop quickly. She set her child up to succeed. She made sure she got good teachers at school. She took time out of her life to help with homework. She didn't tell the answer, she showed how to arrive at them. She's a better mother than anyone who just said "polite, clever, nice feet." to a cosmic entity.

Bonsai trees. You slowly coax them up through wire into intricate shapes. How much easier would it be to carve that out of a hunk of wood?

Basically, setting something up to create itself is harder than creating it. I'm impressed at my Gods for creating physics. The though that God just threw some mud down and went, "What The Hell, let's make some cytoplasm dollies!" is insulting by comparison.